Awake

Again. This time, with *feeling*.

Here I am again at the Crossroads. I cringe at my own capitalization of it. I feel rather like mocking it instead of acknowledging its presence. I prefer to come to the Crossroads gently, gradually, thoughtfully. Like a ship in the harbor moving toward it's temporary parking space in the river of life. (Gag. I know. Apologies.) Instead I find myself dumped there from a speeding vehicle, choking on the dust and gagging from the exhaust. I was in my favorite outfit, too. The whole situation has me quite annoyed. Severely annoyed.

But like it or not, here I am. Through the dust and choking and the gagging and the mocking, I have to ask myself a fundamental question: what is important to me? What isn't as important is it should be? What am supposed to do now? Ok, that's three questions. I thought I had already figured that out. I thought that's what my 20s were for. But apparently, when stripped of everything, there remains a certain dissatisfaction, a certain gnawing feeling, a distinct memory of my original destination. Have I really been on sideways and backways this whole time? Crap. I got lost and I didn't even know it. (But it's so pretty here! Scenic routes are fun, too! Yes, they are, little girl. But you're done. Deal with it.)

So what is important to me? What isn't as important as it should be? What am I supposed to do now? The answers seem to change every five minutes. I am so dizzy from emotion that I can hardly see straight. I long for a retreat but I also dread it. I need guidance and time to heal, but where? And from whom? I know there is only One who can answer my questions to my satisfaction. For now, I am staying put. No sense in making a rash emotional decision. But for all the confusion, something seems to be clear. I may be headed in the very same direction I had been barred from but for a completely and totally separate reason. A reason having everything to do with these questions that now haunt my thoughts. A reason holding one answer to all my questions.

Dare I hope?

(Ok, so I wasn't cheerful like I promised I would be. But I wasn't completely sardonic either, so cut me some slack. And I was definitely vague. Sorry about that, but vague is my reality right now. I am swimming in a reality of confusion and utter absurdity. Believe me when I tell you, I am looking for a way out.)

Happy Sunday?